Sunday, July 09, 2006

On My Mind

Trust me, this blog has been on my mind, but so have a lot of other things. Everytime I'd get close to writing something, I'd convince myself not to because I wasn't really in the sharing mood. So, I've learned that I censor what I put on here, even though I don't think anyone I know in my everyday life reads this. I guess for the past couple weeks I've been not writing because I've been censoring the blog from myself. When I reread this blog, it represents things things that I really don't mind the rest of the world knowing...a pound lost, a card made, etc. But, I haven't wanted to post about pounds gained, possible depression setting in, etc.

Allow me to catch you up, blog.

When I came back from Cincinnati on that Friday, I immediately crashed for a nap, which isn't really that unusual. I was exhausted from my week away from home. At around 9:00 pm, I was awakened by the phone. I answered only to learn it was S. Now, I know this blog doesn't know about S, but S was my summer boyfriend in 8th and 9th grade (he went to a different school), in the sense that one can even have a boyfriend at that age. What is mighty odd, is that periodically, maybe every six years, we have a phone conversation with each other. I haven't seen him since 1986, and he now lives in Florida. Well, in December 2004 he made one of those calls out of the blue and we talked for hours. (We always have great conversations, as he's very intellectual and interesting). When M and I had a major, major, "don't know if we'll ever by together again" disagreement during the spring of 2005, I initiated a call to S during June of 2005. S and I had a great conversation once again, and then "boom". I fell hard and starting imagining what a story it would be if S and I were to get back together again. Well, long story short I think my enthusiasm and unrealistic expectations scared S a bit, and we sort of parted our ways. Now, mind you, we still haven't seen one another since 1986. But, be that as it may, I was SO DEPRESSED last summer. I was so alone and would just cry myself to sleep (and sleep all the time) last summer. I was aching and just replayed my life over and over again, and wondered how can a mid-30's girl be so successful in a career but nothing else. What I really want is a family. I got back with M, because of loneliness.

For the past year, M and I have gotten along basically because I don't want to go back to that loneliness again. Life with M, is better than life without M, though I doubt we will ever marry and be a real family.

So, when S called me out of the blue a couple weeks ago, to apologize for last summer, I went right back to the place I was last summer. I started to assess my life and how pathetic it really is. I work. I work out at Curves. I stamp. I belong to a booster group at OSU that is filled with old people, and I live alone. Yeehaw! Since this is my slow season at work, I just have all day and all night to think about this stuff. I spend hours googling people in my past, from past boyfriends to high school classmates. Just to see what I can find, and compare their accomplishments, or lack thereof, to mine.

So, there you have it. I'm pathetic really. During the past two weeks, I've waited with eagar for S to contact me again, like he said he would (though never did) and became more depressed and felt myself going back into the self-pity depression. Even had a blow up with M last Sunday(though we survived it) as I was nagging him about our "situation". "Situation" being dating for 11 years, him being 42ish and still living at home with his mamma who doesn't pay him a dime for the work he does at their company, thus leaving M, a 42 year old without a freaking income. Oh, how I hate the situation, but enjoy M's companionship, because as I learned last summer, I can't function without it. I am so stuck.

Basically, over the past year, after the rejection from S, I pulled myself out of the pit, and then began to accept the M situation, and started to accept living alone, never having children, etc.

So, S's call was very untimely, just on the very day that I find myself with a month and a half of not being busy at work. I'm glad I caught myself early and after a few sleepful days and sleepless nights, I'm feeling better about me. I guess what is meant to happen with my life will. Sometimes, I guess we don't get to live our dreams...mine being happily married with children.

Whew! Sorry about all of that. But I felt I needed to get it all out. Now, I can blog again.

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